Going home is always comforting.
Though I feel as if I have many homes and each time I go to one, I leave another.
This gives me a sort of anxious-relief… if that makes any sense. I’m happy to go and sad to leave.
And yet I worry about what I have to show from my travels. If I don’t bring home souvenirs or a sweat shirt how can I communicate where I’ve been, what I’ve been up to?
Stories and photographs only go so far. It never feels like I fully articulate my experiences in either form anyway.
I’ve always been under the impression that if you go somewhere you have to bring something back with you. It is, in a way, the traveler’s responsibility.
I fear coming home empty-handed with nothing to show for my experiences, my triumphs and downfalls. Do I trust that my friends and family will see it written in my face, or sewn into my words?
When all those catching-up questions come my way, how will I respond?
What have I been up to? How has everything been? Really
Do I pick and choose what to tell people? Isn’t that what we all do all the time, selectively tell people what we think they’d like to hear?
I’m sure I’ve put far too much thought into this going-home thing.
I’ll be surrounded by family and friends, good people who love me.
I just worry for my family here. My mom, my sister, my avó. Even my dad. I’d like to think everything is ok and he’s got it covered and for the most part he does, but even the hero figure needs a hand.
I want to be there for everyone, but I simply can’t. It’s impossible to be in two places at once. With an internet connection I can make it work, but it’s not the same without a physical presence.
I fear something might happen. And I understand anything could happen at anytime, but I want to be there when it does so I can do something about it, but maybe that’s all just a story I tell myself.
What if there’s nothing I can do and by me going leaving home and going home I’m doing the right thing. I have my own life to live, I can’t constantly worry about other’s.
How can one help worrying for their loved ones?
Buying a ticket home marks the next part of my adventure.
I leave on Wednesday, January 29, 2020.
I am prepared and excited and happy, and relaxed, but I’d be lying to you if I said I wasn’t afraid somewhere deep down.